Barre So Hard

Apologies for the massive delay in posting. I can’t speak for Sarah, but I have been a tad unmotivated recently, and the idea of blogging was stressing me out. I’ve been deep in the ol’ quarter life struggle (questioning what I’m doing with my life, comparing where I am to everyone else, finding solace in being miserable, the usual!). However, I am pulling myself out of that rut.

While I’ve been extra introspective and (to be honest) a bit of a bummer lately, I also did start something new, which I’ve been really enjoying- welcome to the topic of today’s post! I am teaching barre classes!

I started taking barre last January with some friends – we all bought new member class passes for a month. Just to provide some context here, I’m not a massive fitness person. I was never super athletic growing up. I mean, I always played various sports, but wasn’t super competitive so I never really tried that hard. That basically became my go to strategy for fitness throughout college, and into my post-grad life. I’d go to the gym and casually do some cardio, enough to feel like I wasn’t being too lazy, but never pushing myself very hard. So when I went to barre, I really wasn’t sure what to expect.

The first class I took was a real struggle. When I couldn’t get through the warm-up, I realized I was in trouble. It also didn’t help that I had to travel the next day, and was stuck, immobile, in a car for 8 hours. I’m not sure I’ve ever been that sore in my life. I usually shy away from putting myself in a situation where I’m struggling in public, but since I paid a decent amount for that class pass- I went back. I’m a fairly confident person, but I will say I did feel some insecurity. I would look around the studio and see all these really fit and toned girls breezing through class. Cut to Kate- sweating an aggressive amount and doing the saddest excuses for push-ups known to man. I realized a few weeks in, that I was the only one looking around the studio- everyone else was really focused on their work, and I think that was my turning point. When I stopped comparing my muscle tone, and my ability to complete the sets to everyone else, I was able to focus on getting the most out of my workout. When the one month of unlimited class expired, I bought a new package for 3 months even though my friends chose not to re-up.

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I’m the super sweaty one in the grey long sleeve (R)

While the classes never really got easier (that’s one of the great things about barre- it’s always a challenge), I noticed that I was sore a lot less frequently, and I was zooming through sets, and taking the harder options in class. Instead of panicking about needing to take a break, I was focused on making sure my form was correct. A few months later, a fellow student came up to me, and mentioned she thought I had gotten stronger and was looking more fit. I realized she was right. I had definition in my arms and legs that hadn’t been there before. My waist was more trim. But beyond all of that, I was actually happier in my day-to-day. I don’t know if it was because of endorphin’s from actually pushing myself in workouts (remember- endorphin’s make you happy, and happy people don’t kill their husbands) or from actually committing to something, but it was pretty exciting. I started looking forward to getting to the studio, and started chatting more and more with the instructors and other students. I was super content with being a member of our barre community.

About 10 months after I started taking classes, I got an email from the studio owner asking me if I wanted to teach.

“I wanted to tell you that our team mentioned your name when we had a meeting about asking some of our clients to audition 🙂 you have the BEST form and we would love to have you as a part of the team if you’re interested in teaching!”

I was flattered, but demurred. I had a convenient excuse as I was getting surgery, which required an additional month of no physical activity, but the real reason I didn’t immediately say ‘yes’ was fear. I have never taught anything in my life. I don’t think I’m a particularly bubbly-fitness instructor-type person, I’ve been repeatedly told i’m intimidating (i.e. people think I come off as a bitch). That kind of thing will get in your head! I also felt like a total fraud. Teaching a fitness class felt wrong- like I’d be impersonating someone far more qualified.

After my surgery, which I wrote about a while back, I was feeling a little unsettled. Not dissimilar to my more recent feelings that I mentioned at the start of this post. That confusion propelled me to have an out of body experience when my barre studio owner emailed me again asking if I was interested in teaching. I immediately emailed her back and said, ‘I’m in :)’. I wasn’t sure what came over me, but I was apparently going to get instructor training, and start teaching.

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My first real class- teaching dreaded push-ups

It’s been two months since I’ve been a certified teacher, and I absolutely love it. I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to design classes and playlists, or would lose count or run my classes way over their scheduled times, but none of that has happened. I find that I really enjoy making new and challenging sets, and developing my playlists is one of my favorite things. It’s been really rewarding to see students pushing themselves in my classes and has given me a totally new perspective on fitness. I don’t feel like a fraud, I feel like I get to share something I love with people who like it too. In fact, I just found out a student requested me to teach a private class that she was setting up for her friends, and I was beyond flattered.

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Always working on that form

So here’s what I learned, (granted I already knew it, but in my experience, I have to keep reinforcing life lessons), taking a risk – doing something that scares you, almost always pays off. Overcoming fear is powerful, and worth doing. I also need to remind myself that fitness, and more importantly, life, is a personal journey and you shouldn’t compare your journey to anyone else’s.

Lastly:

Image result for exercise gives you endorphins. endorphins make you happy

 

 

 

Just Another Night…

Last night, I was out with a group of my friends having a great time. The night was winding to an end, when some random guy asked me if I wanted to dance. Spoiler Alert: I didn’t. I said, ‘thanks, but no thanks- I’m good’. In my head, that was a super normal, non-incendiary response. I didn’t say, ‘oh hell no’ or ‘you disgust me, get away you monster’ or ‘go fuck yourself’, just a simple ‘no’. This guy didn’t take that well.

He immediately started yelling at me- calling me a whore, ugly, a bitch, and a slut. I (shockingly) didn’t engage back. I just sat there while he verbally abused me for not wanted to dance with him. (Apparently you can be a whore for choosing to not engage with a random guy- who knew?!) At this point, a female friend of mine inserted herself between the guy and me- she told him to get away from me, and leave us alone. He then started screaming obscenities at  her- the same types of things- commenting that she was ugly and a slut (again- apparently defending your friend is slutty, but I digress) He was getting more and more irate when some of our male friends got in his way. They were very calm and told him to leave immediately, and that he was making an ass out of himself. He tried to get physical with them- granted, the three of them averaged 6’4, so it wasn’t the best call. Before things got too crazy, he got kicked out.

We all left the bar within the next 15 minutes or so and he was outside- still yelling about how awful, unattractive, and slutty I was. My female friend who initially stood up for me ended up having to be held back while he antagonized us further. People kept telling her to calm down, and that he wasn’t worth it. She replied with ‘if we don’t stand up for ourselves now, when will we?’. Everything ended up being okay- we all got home without any further incident, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot.

I firstly want to thank my friends who took it upon themselves to block me from this guy. I really appreciate having people in my life who are willing to stand up for me. But all of this raises a lot of issues.

It just amazes me that this guy felt justified in verbally attacking me for choosing to not dance with him. I cannot imagine ever doing anything or saying anything like this guy was- it was disgusting and pathetic and really disheartening to think that he thought his actions were considered okay.Obviously this isn’t applicable to all guys, but I’m generalizing. I don’t understand the lack of respect so pervasive in our culture. I’ve had so many people make overtly sexist comments as well as more subtle remarks to me, and while sometimes its a joke, more often than not it’s a realistic glance into true opinions. Women are still getting paid less then men and are still 40% less likely to be in the workforce. The double standard among our culture is still in existence in a big way. The rules are different for each gender and it’s completely unfair. I just get so angry that guys have this power to make women feel so unsafe and objectified. What right do these guys have to make us feel cheap? It is sad and a complete waste that society has made it okay for men to be such assholes.

We all have our stories about times we were objectified, or threatened, or worse. In recent memory, I was in a bar with a friend of mine and she was assaulted by some creep- he felt it was okay to grab her by the crotch. I’m not super proud (I am a little proud), but I punched him in the face and had the bar staff drag him out. A little while after that some random guy tried to break into my apartment, and I managed to hit him in the head with the door and startle him enough to get the door closed and locked. Not too long after that a  random guy tried to lock me in a bathroom with him, but a friend of mine broke the door down and we got away safely. I’m saying all of this because I’m one of the lucky ones. I’ve certainly encountered dangerous situations, but I’ve been able to avoid the worst outcome, and a lot of women aren’t as lucky. Which by the way, considering that a lucky outcome is fucking insane.  In a survey conducted a few years back, “nearly one in five women surveyed said they had been raped or had experienced an attempted rape at some point, and one in four reported having been beaten by an intimate partner. One in six women have been stalked.” I personally know people that fall into those groups. These women are strong and smart and incredible, and it’s sick that they have to fight every day not to be defined by the actions of their attackers. These women aren’t victims, they are survivors.

And it breaks my heart. It’s horrifying that we live in a ‘modern society’, and that we consider ourselves enlightened and exceptional, when half of our citizens are demeaned on a consistent basis. It breaks my heart that it isn’t safe for women to walk alone at night without being scared.  It breaks my heart that women have to be on alert at all times. It breaks my heart that women who are survivors of violence have to fight to be believed when they come forward.

Women are conditioned from childhood to be constantly on alert for threats of this nature, but men are rarely conditioned from childhood to understand what is acceptable conduct in regards to women. Society has conditioned us with a “don’t get raped” mentality as opposed to a “don’t rape” mentality.  This is not okay. Boys don’t just get to be boys, while women have to live in an naturalized state of fear. Even when that fear isn’t overt, it’s always there.

We need to do better. We need to stand up for ourselves, and we need to have the tough conversations. We need to figure out the right way to talk to our children about these things. We need to make sure girls feel empowered and strong- not weak and victimized. We need to make sure that men respect women, and do not feel entitled to anything a woman isn’t willing to give- whether it’s just a dance or whether it’s her body. It’s her choice, and that the bottom line.

Goals, Goals, Goals

There’s a lot of doom and gloom in the air these days, and most of my posts have been focused on that (I’m a real masochistic). It’s easy to get sucked into the black hole of the state of the world (and while it’s important to pay attention and get involved, it can lead to a pessimistic attitude, and I refuse to let this political situation take anything else from me). So, I want to re-focus on the future and my goals.

I’m a big fan of lists. I have random lists all over my apartment: grocery lists, to do lists, lists of clothes I want, travel lists, lists of books to read, and shows to watch… you get the idea. It’s lisztomania!  Anyways, while I’m not the best at following through with all my lists, there is one list I tend to focus on the most. One list to rule them all, you might say.

When I turned 22, I made a list. I called it my 27 by 27 list. That gave me 5 years to accomplish (or at least try to accomplish) goals in a variety of different segments of my life. Some were career focused, some were financial, some were personal, and a whole lot were based on travel.

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I think having goals/a bucket list/whatever you want to call it is important. I think it’s valuable to have a written record around what you want and what you’re interested in. Life moves incredibly quickly, and you can lose sight of lofty goals (or even basic goals) throughout the doldrums of everyday life. It’s good to have something to strive to, and to check in with. I keep my list framed in my closet so I see it at least once a day, staring at me, reminding me to get my ass in gear. I also find it amusing that more than half the items on my 27 by 27 list were travel based, clearly I had my priorities in order when I wrote it!

I know this is super different content than what I normally write about, but this is a large glimpse into what motivates me, and since this blog is about sharing our interests, concerns, and inspirations, I feel like it works.

So below is my 27 by 27 list, and the current standing of where I am.  I have around 2 years left to successfully complete this sucker, and it’s unlikely that I will knock them all off, but I’m having a lot of fun regardless.

Completed Goals:

  • Be promoted twice
  • Go to a foreign country completely alone
  • Celebrate Hogmanay in Edinburgh
  • See Stonehenge
  • Live alone
  • Learn to like whisky
  • Own Christian Louboutins

In-Progress Goals (Highly Likely to Complete by 27):

  • Go on 1 trip somewhere new each year (I have been super successful with this goal so far)
  • See the Northern Lights (I am going to Iceland in a week, and am planning on hunting the Aurora’s every night- who needs sleep?!)
  • Go on Safari  (This is booked for July of this year)
  • Go to 3 Major World Events (I’m at 2/3 currently)
  • Read Shakespeare’s complete works ( 16/37 left to read)
  • Savings Goal (I am 80% to my set goal, if you include investments, 401K, and Roth IRA accounts- and since this is my goal, it counts)
  • Read the top 100 books (67/140* left to read)
    • I ended up adding some to this list based on my interests, so my list is more like 140 books

There are 14/27 items I am confident I will be able to check off my list in the next year and a half. That leaves 13 items not covered above. Those items basically fall into the ‘stretch goal’ category or the ‘no longer interested category’. There are also a few travel goals scattered in there (Isle of Skye, New Zealand, Egypt, filling up my passport) which may be possible, but are currently not planned due to scheduling and financial constraints.

Stretch Goals:

  • Go on a trip to another country with a significant other
    • This is only a stretch goal since I am currently single, and in no real rush/don’t have a ton of interest in relationships right now.
  • I have a fairly aggressive salary goal that I would like to be making by 27, and I’m pretty sure I’m not reaching it (unless I achieve the goal under this one, and it ends up getting published…)
  • Write a book- I have been working on this since I was 22 and I’m only like 6 chapters in.
  • Learn the basics of another language- I took Spanish in school and was decent at it, but have forgotten most of it, and I haven’t made any moves in remedying that.
  • Take a class for a hobby – I want to take a photography or wine appreciation course, but just haven’t gotten there yet

I’m not going to bother writing about the goals I’m no longer interested in, but I will share the three new goals I have replaced them with.

  • Get certified in Barre
  • Be able to do the splits
  • Cook my way through the two cookbooks in my house (excluding anything I really don’t like)
So that’s my list. That’s what I am trying to get out of my life in the immediate term. Fun, right? I’m excited to see where I end up with this list, and what the next iteration looks like. Maybe it will be a complete 180, and my next list will be completely focused on my career or starting a family or building a home, or maybe it will be a list of new places to go and things to experience. As I’ve noted before, freedom can be paralyzing because you have so many options, but I find that by having a list, my future is framed just a little bit more. It works for me at least!

Put It On Pause

Yesterday, I texted Sarah that I wasn’t sure what I wanted to write about this week. I have a lot of ammunition in the political arena, but I wanted to step away from talking about our soon to be President and his petulant and dangerous behavior for a minute.  Sarah asked me what I had been up to recently, and the honest answer is not very much. I had my life on hold for the past few weeks while I recovered from surgery.

I essentially spent an entire week in bed at my parents house, not being able to speak, not really being able to eat, and sleeping an average of 3 hours a night. I wasn’t reading or watching anything for the first few days. I literally was just staring at the ceiling, and to be honest, my ceiling isn’t that exciting. The second week was slightly better, especially towards the end as I started to be more active, and my voice and appetite started to return. It’s kind of like looking back at a dream now that I’m back at my regular life, albeit an insanely painful horrible dream.

It’s a little discombobulating to fully drop out of your normal life for weeks, and then to re-enter it seamlessly. It’s not like I was embarking on some life changing adventure during my recovery and expected things to be different. But, it is odd to go from being in so much pain and being a totally useless person, to being able to go right back to your normal life and job without any real struggle.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful my recovery went well, and that my job was able to accommodate me, and that my friends were super supportive, and that my parents put their lives on hold to take care of me, but it does kind of make you wonder what kind of a real impact you are making on the world around you. Would anything really be different if I stayed on pause? Don’t misunderstand me, this isn’t a depressed rant bitching that I don’t think I matter or that people don’t care about me. I know that isn’t true- I have a great life and I’m content with it. My point is more about questioning where that life is heading and what do I want from it. Would I leave an impact or any kind of a lasting legacy on the world? Honestly, the current answer is no.Capture.JPGAnd that’s fine. I think I still feel a little lost when it comes to what I want from my life, and what kind of life I want to lead. I don’t think I’m alone in feeling that way. I’m conflicted when I think about the different paths that I could take. There is no one future that really calls to me. While I love feeling that the world is laid out at my feet and I could run in any direction I want, there is also something paralyzing about that kind of freedom. When you have numerous choices in the world, it’s difficult to commit to one. Opening one door usually goes hand-in-hand with closing a different one. That’s not to say that you can’t have it all, but life is full of choices that act like puzzle pieces, bringing you closer to the completed picture of what your life is and who you are really are. As I’m writing this, I keep ruminating on the lyrics from ‘Wait For It’ from the incomparable Hamilton.

‘I’m not falling behind or running late. I’m not standing still, I am lying in wait.’ 

I wish I felt that comfortable in my convictions. I wouldn’t say that I’m dissatisfied with the frame of my life currently, but I would like to feel like I am working towards something. I think I’m feeling a little listless and restless all at the same time. I’m scared to make the wrong choice, but I’m also terrified of standing still. I want to be free to fail- I want to be open to opportunity- I want to be focused on the future while maintaining a presence in the present.

There’s no real conclusion here as this is simply a snippet of what has been running through my mind recently. I’m not convinced I have a solid plan of action to institute a change in the way I live my life, but I’m excited about the prospect of that change. So, with that being said, I’m going to quote another song far more poetic and poignant than I am, and ‘keep your head up, and keep your heart strong.’  (Oh Ben Howard, how I adore you!)

-K

P.S. I really do want to thank my parents for being so incredible while I was so out of it the past few weeks. They were amazing while I was… less than amazing.